So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
