I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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