Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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