you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
