I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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