Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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