I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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