Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
