i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
