stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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