so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
