Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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