It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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