The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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