You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
