i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
3pm strippers are depressing
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
