I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
