my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
