I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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