I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
