i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
