how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
