You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
