Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up under a house in Key West
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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