When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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