A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
