There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
