like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
