Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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