Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
