Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
