every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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