So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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