Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
