I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
