i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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