I'm drive I can fine osifer
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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