I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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