Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Houston, we have a squirter
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
