I cut my penus on the lid.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am available for nakedness
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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