The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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