im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
