Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
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If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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