im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
