Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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