I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
