I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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