she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
