twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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