Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
