is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize