If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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