If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
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no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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