so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
