so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
