Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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